Sunday, 29 March 2009

I'm such a bitch. My phone starts ringing at 5:45am (I KNEW I should have put turned it off before I went to bed, but I'm paranoid that the alarm won't go off even though I know it will). It's my mum. I answer with:

I'm met with the sound of sniffling.

Me (more gently): Oh mum, are you OK? (I knew what the answer would be)

Mum: My mum just died.

I'm a heartless fuck. I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm sad my mum is sad. It's just that too many things have happened in the last six years for me to feel anything. And now I have the heeby jeebies for writing that because now that she's dead, maybe she's a little omniscient and can read me writing not-so-flattering things about her (whilst I don't believe in God, I haven't yet worked out my actual beliefs about the afterlife because I totally want one - I'm Pro Cloud).

She wants to know if I can come with her to the Philippines. I'll see what I can do. I'm going to start emailing people now.

Oh, and to make things worse for her, her cunt family is laying on the guilts because she didn't send money this month. Auntie Nancy, the other sister who lives in Australia and therefore in the family's eyes is also wealth personified, sent money so is a great daughter. Meanwhile, if the nothings in the Philippines had ever bothered to get jobs and stop being a burden on everyone else this wouldn't be an issue. (They still lived with my Nonna. They're in their 40s.) My grandparents on my dad's side paid for mum's brother to do a trade apprenticeship back in the 80s which he never finished. Mum's little sister has at least 2 illigitimate children which she has adopted out to various family members because she is a slut. USE A CONDOM!

God I'm a bitch. Their mother just died and I'm being a bitch to them. Just don't be a bitch to my mum - that's MY job.

Like everything, I can't help feeling like I've somehow brought this on: I have an assignment due tomorrow which I was going to have to pull an all-nighter for because I've basically done no work for it. The plan was to start yesterday but what with the anger and zero sleep I didn't do much more than a few readings. In my head I kept thinking, maybe something will happen and I won't have to hand it in. And something happened. It's like that time when I was in UWS and the was queen of extensions. I emailed the lecturer to get an extension citing "family problems" and next thing you know I've logged off the computer, there's a call and my parents have gone insane, had a huge fight, where on earth is dad (the country club), that sort of thing.

It's a little narcisistic to think that it's all about me, but it is a little fun, and a lot worrying, to have some pull within the universe.

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