Thursday, 26 June 2008

I need to get my shit together.

So yeah. Not much has been happening. Went out with Mick last Friday night. SO did not want to go. Had the headache from hell, and, I dunno. I went though. It was fine. He asked me if I wanted to go to a movie on Sunday. I said I'd have to see. I messaged very late on Saturday night and said I was busy. I just... yeah. I don't know.

To be honest, I'm so not enthused. I thought I was ready to be in a relationship again, but I just don't want to put myself out there. At all. I haven't heard from Mick since then, and I'm really glad. That's not a good sign. Not the fact that I haven't heard from him, but the fact that I'm glad I haven't heard from him. It saves me from having to not have to contact him. It's just too much.

See, this is why I try not to delve too deep into my head. I'm freaking nuts. I almost browsed the self-help aisle yesterday while I was merchandising it! But then I thought, no better not before I start thinking there's something even worse wrong with me. I was thinking I should get counselling cos I've obviously still got issues about my mother and my parents' divorce, but then again, maybe I'm just hiding behind these issues, as maybe it's easier to hide behind the assumed problems rather than live my life and put myself out there. Or, maybe I really AM as screwed up as I think I am. I always hold people at a distance, even if they don't think I am. I've had 23 years of practicing realistic reactions and e/motions.

Too deep!

What else has been going on? Not too much. This week they have me working 38 hours. ARGH! Everyone's like, "But Sarah, that's so good! Think of the money!" And it is great, but I also like not having to work for my money. Lol. I like that extra $250 centrelink gives me. Sure, with my fulltime hours I'll be making more, but, you know, I had to actually earn that money. I'm a scab, yes. I'm also broke broke broke. With all the goings-out-to-dinner I did last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I have $100 to last me to next Thursday. Stupid staff appreciation day last week. I only spent $90 at it, and half was for stuff for my sister, but still... And because of all the hours I'm working this week, I most likely won't get anything from Centrelink on Monday, which usually tides me over until Thursday's payday. Plus, I'm going home Sunday night/Monday morning which means lots of catching up with friends which means lots of money spent. Oh well. Hopefully I'll see my mum and try and hit her up with some money. It'll be like trying to get blood from a stone. Is that the saying?? It is now. Deal with it.

In other news, as of Monday I've been keeping a food diary to keep track of how many calories I've been consuming. Let's just say it's not pretty. Yesterday was the only day I was able to keep under the 1300 you're supposed to have if you're trying to lose weight, and I was sooooo bloody hungry you would not believe. Actually, I wasn't hungry, just craving everything. It's hard to watch what you eat. My favourite blueberry muffins from Woolies are nearly 450 calories!!! That's like, all my intake. So sad. And excercising is so boring. Lol. I went for a half hour walk yesterday and had to FORCE myself to even make it to half an hour. It's so dull when there's no purpose for the walk. On Monday I went for an hour-long walk to the local shops which was fine because it had a purpose - I needed bananas. Lol. So I went for a walk there. It's also annoying because my area has hardly any footpaths, and I always feel bad walking on people's grass. But I do it. Lol. I'm not getting hit by a car who can't see me over the crest or around the bend. Please. Death just ain't my style.

Thursday, 19 June 2008

I love sleep. Sleepy sleep sleep.

Absolutely buggered. Mel came over last night with a bottle of red and we drank it with dinner and over the rest of the night. Woke up with a lovely headache. Lol. It was a good night.

The night before I went with Steve to see Indiana Jones. Movie and date both sucked a little. I don't think I'm going to see him again. I just don't see it going anywhere.

Have a date tomorrow night with Mick. Dinner and drinks. Hopefully it's good.

I have this weekend off work which I'm looking forward to, but because I've got so many plans I can't go home to see my family. Then next week I'm working 38 hours!! WTF?! That's fulltime hours. Too much. They said, "Hey Sarah, do you mind working a few more hours next week?" And I said, "Sure," thinking it'd be like, 25 hours instead of my normal 20 hours. I want HOLIDAYS, dammit!! Not work!

Ergh, and I just found out Miranda's last exam isn't until next Wednesday, so I have to be around her until then. Fun. God I'm a bitch. It's not like she really leaves her room.

I've decided I really need to lose weight. My whole goal of going on daily walks has been trumped by all the rain we've been having, and this morning I was too hung over to be bothered. Not good. How is it that at the beginning of this year I lost all that weight (like, 6 kilos) by doing nothing but eat shit, and now I'm actually conscious of what I'm consuming and am doing (some) exercise, and NOTHING. Well, not nothing, I've been gaining weight. Stupid.

Man, I never used to care about this shit. And now I do. It sucks ass.

Saturday, 14 June 2008

Stupid bitch. Not me, for once, but HER.

The internet’s been playing up all week, running at the wonderful speed of “snail’s crawl”. Wow, feel the power. That’s why I haven’t been blogging cos blogger won’t even load up for me. :S I’m typing this crap out in Word and saving it to load up some day. So not in the mood.

But, it’s a very exciting week cos exams are done and I’m done with Semester One! *runs around the room with shirt over her head* Woop woop!! Joy of joys!!! I think I did OK. I should pass, at least. That’s all that matters in the long run. Note to self for next semester: how about studying? Yeah. Waking up at 5 am the morning of the exam and trying to read the readings you didn’t read throughout the semester does not count.

I finished the Shakespeare essay on Tuesday at 4pm. I’m so screwed. Probably lost heaps of marks. Whatever. I don’t think it was too bad, but the whole time I was writing it I had to keep asking myself, “Am I actually answering the question??” and kept re-thinking everything I was saying. It’s done, so it’s all good.

How did I celebrate finishing my exams? I went out and bought cleaning products and cleaned my room. It’s so nice now, all fresh and dust-free and the carpet is all vacuumed. Ahhh.
Last night I became an alcoholic. It was lovely. I went out and bought a bottle of wine and a wine glass (impossible to do it turns out - Kmart only had 6 packs for $20, which I didn’t want. It would have been cheaper than what I had to buy, which was a two pack from Coles for $7, but two is better than six for me) and sat in bed and read a book all night. I’m such a loser, cos it was a Friday night, but I just could not be bothered going out, I was also dirt poor and I missed reading so much during the semester. It was wonderful to get back to reading for pleasure. I started The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold as I am the only person on the planet who has not read the book, and my GOD it’s awesome. I was so disappointed that I was falling asleep, I just wanted to stay up and read it.

So it isn’t a blog post by me if there isn’t any bitching involved, so here it is: I hate Miranda, my housemate, with a passion. 6 more months of this C U Next Tuesday will be hell. This is the one that kept dropping all the toilet paper all over the bathroom. And had her TV/Music on as loud as possible all day long. Well, she went home for the long weekend, and I thought she’d gone back for the holidays, but then she came back on Monday. WTF?? She has an exam next week, but why come back to the house so early?? It’s not like she has friends here. It’s not like she has left her bedroom at all this week, except to cook her food and make a mess in the kitchen - there’s still her mess from cooking last night’s dinner and the night be fore’s on the stove and I’m sick and tired of wiping her shit up. I do it every day. I’m waiting for her to notice, and if she doesn’t I’m going to MAKE HER NOTICE. You’d think she’d realise that, since it’s just the two of us using the kitchen, IT’S NOTICEABLE WHEN ONE PERSON MAKES A MESS.

Oh, and she came out of her room for one other reason: TO ASK ME TO TURN DOWN MY TV. Ooooooh, I was mighty angry. I still am. It was the day after my last exam and I was enjoying my first day of holidays before having to go to work. I was watching my TV at its normal volume, but I had my door open cos I was baking and wanted to smell if it was burning. There’s a knock on my door, and Miranda is asking me to turn my TV down. Maybe, Miranda, you should take this as a lesson, to close your GODDAMN DOOR and we wouldn’t have to hear your shit TV and music all the time, and to be honest, what the hell right does she have to ask me to turn my shit down after the 5 months I’ve had of having to leave the house to get some peace and two complaints to the landlords. 5 months of her noise, 20 minutes of my not-very-loud TV. It’s been two days and I’m STILL shitty. She just has absolutely no right to ask it. It’s like if I made a mess all the time, then noticed one day someone else made a mess and told them not to.

Oh My GOD!!! She just asked me to turn my music down now. I had it deliberately loud though, cos I’m angry at her. But not at all as loud as her music at its loudest. And I told her off. Don’t let it be said that I bitch behind your back, cos I bitch to your face too. I hate this habit I’ve developed where I decide that I tell people shit. But I was just annoyed. I told her she was hypocritical to ask that of me after what we went through all semester with her, when I’ve had it loud once in all that time, and she’s like, “Yeah, but I’m studying.” So I said, “What do you think we’ve been trying to do all semester???” Oh God, I’m a bitch. Then she’s like, “Yeah, but a couple of times you’ve asked me to turn my TV down because you’re going to sleep, and then you’re just watching a movie.” To which I got annoyed and was like, “Well, I shouldn’t have to justify my sleeping habits to you, but I need the TV on to fall asleep, and I shouldn’t have to raise my volume to compete with yours through the walls.”

Stupid bitch. I’m still angry. I feel all bristled up like I’ve had to deal with an angry customer. I always feel so shaky afterwards, which is how I feel now. ARGH!!!!

Deep breath.

So my friend Kate’s up in Newcastle this weekend, well, technically she’s in Lake Macquarie, but that’s closer to Newy than Richmond where she lives, so she’s coming out with me tonight for dinner and drinky drinks. Yay!!! Hopefully it’ll be a good night.

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

...though Thou troublest me, I must be meek.

I like to call today PANIC DAY.

This is the day I realise that I have only two days left to do my assignment, and both those days I will be working.

This is the day that I realised that I have not got an argument for my essay, that I have read and re-read the poems and the play and the literature and cannot come up with anything original.

This is the day I do the least. The day I have a bloody nap, for Chrissakes, just because I'm stressing and I feel like I'm having heart palpatations.

I had a test for my history class today. It was one of those ones where they give you the questions before hand and you have to prepare essays to write in class. I started preparing at about 9 this morning. God I'm annoying.

Got my marks back though, so in total the rundown for this subject was:
Essay: 33/35
Annotated Bibliography: 10/10
Field Report: 29/35
Class Participation: 9/10
Total: 81/90. Still waiting on the test results, obviously, but that's only out of ten. I was so happy with the field report mark, because I thought I would barely scrape through with a pass. Now I want at least 5/10 for the test so I can finish with a High Distinction. That would look nice and purty on my transcript. I'm a bit annoyed about my participation mark - 9?? I'm participate in every class, and always contribute to discussions!! How do you get 10?? Yes, I'm pedantic, but I tend to be when I miss out on something by one.

Professional Preparation marks also came back today:
Assignment 1: 26/30
Assignment 2: 37.5/40
Total: 63.5/70. Absolutely laughing. Especially about the 2nd assignment's mark. I started it the night before and finished it about 2 minutes before it was due. I'm so shocked about the high mark. See?? It's results like this that don't encourage me to use time management and finish things early. So I've already passed the course and we've still got the exam next week. I want to at least finish the course with a credit, so I've got to get at least 1.5 marks out of 30. Hmmm....

Learners and the Learning Process marks:
Assignment, which was this stress-attack: 21/30.
Quiz: 7/10
We also get marks for completing summaries that he hasn't yet posted, but that's only 10 marks also. The exam for this I'm very worried about because it's worth 50% and I don't understand this topic to save my life. I'm screwed. Woops.

Last night I called mum to tell her I wasn't happy with her lack of help. And she said she'd been thinking about that yesterday also (way psychic) and wants to talk to me about helping me with rent. I'm like, erm... I can afford rent. Can you just pay off my smaller credit card and I'll pay you back when I graduate?? So yes, we're going to have a chat about this next week.

Meanwhile, I hate this stupid rain. So not in the mood for it.

Sex and the City on Friday night! Woop Woop!!!

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Dream catch me when I fall...

Face no longer puce. That's always nice.

I finished reading Dr. Faustus last night and have absolutely no idea what to write about him for the essay. Not a clue. I really need to do some research on the role of humanism in the English Renaissance. Great - more work.

This morning our power cut out at the house and apparently it's our fault??? Cos we use heaters and dryers??? Erm, firstly, it's raining, therefore it would make less than no sense to hang clothes on the line, so the dryer is necessary. Secondly, it's effing freezing, hence the heaters. It's been pretty warm this week (warm in comparison to other weeks) so I haven't had the heater on, but I know other housemates have, but that's their perogative. People have different coldness levels - I know I'm ALWAYS cold. I'd sit on my heater if I thought it would make a difference. Anyway, the landlords aren't happy cos last year the electricity bill was too much (half of the house wasn't here last year...) and they're saying they're going to take the oil heaters out of our rooms and put one big gas one in the loungeroom at the back of the house and we can apparently all study in there together. Meanwhile, that's where the TV is, so what if someone wants to watch TV?? Plus, I happen to be at the back of the house and like to do my study in the sunroom at the back (which in winter, isn't much of a sunroom and is more of a room-that's-freezing-but-has-lots-of-light-compared-to-my-room). I'll agree if they put a heater in the sunroom also so I can still study there. The chairs in that room are comfier too.

I did a lot of thinking this morning about my mum and I'm officially shitty at her. I go through periods of this. Some last longer than others, but I'm always left with that same nagging sensation. She's going to Europe in August (have I whinged about that yet??) and I'm really upset that she's going at a time I'm at uni and that she kept it from me. Earlier this year (like, January) she was asking me questions about Europe and got me to buy her some guide books and said they were for a friend, but they were for her. She's spending a week in Japan before going to Europe. That really hurt me. She knows how much I want to go there, and she knew I'd be at uni in August. When I found out she was going and confronted her she was like, "Come with me," like that was a possibility. So I asked her to help me go to England on an exchange for a semester next year and her response was, "I can't make any promises."

This morning I got to thinking about her easy things are for her. She's bought a whole houseful (literally - she threw out all our old stuff) of new furniture and bought a huge plasma (like, HUGE, and she doesn't bloody watch TV!) and is repainting everything, then she goes and spends all this money to go to Europe (it's at least $2500 for the tickets, let alone the accommodation and spending money), and I'm here struggling from week to week. I asked her for a loan that I could repay when I graduate because I'll be on good money, and she says she can't afford it. I know that my debts and things are my problem, but it's very hard to get out of a cycle of debt when your living expenses are so high. She wants me to go down to Sydney to visit her, but she won't pay the $30 it costs in petrol for me to go. I know she works hard, but so do I. Everyday I'm not at uni I'm at work, so I don't get any days off. I cannot seem to make any dent in my credit card bills... or at least, nothing that's helpful. Each month, even though I pay a lot, it goes down a whole $20. Wow. That's only going to take me FOREVER to pay off. Mum promised to help me while I was here at uni, and so far I've gotten $4oo off her. And I've had to produce tears to get that money. And my god, I only ask her for the money when things are really really bad, and I have to swallow all my pride to ask for help. How is it that my grandmother who is on a pension, or what I like to call, NO MONEY, buys me groceries when I go to visit her, and gives me petrol money or other things? But I have to cry to get anything from my mother.

So yes, I've been pretty angry today.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Too much.

So, Thursday morning I had a breakfast date. Different guy, but this one's name is Mick. I hate that name so much. How hard it is to call someone Mike? Mick. Yuck. Plus, it's Emma's ass-hole boyfriend's name. Lol. Grudge-much? Is it wrong to not be enthused about any of these guys? I don't know. He's asked me out for a second date, and I've said sure. We'll see. I spoke to my aunt and she said that she wasn't really into my uncle when they first met (though apparently, he knew he'd marry her from day one), so that's bouyed me a little. Or maybe not. In the meantime I figure, it can't hurt to hang out with them.

Friday night I went down to Sydney for Rachel's party. It was a fizzer, and I felt really bad for her cos so many people said they were going to be there. I had fun though. There was a girl there that was an old family friend and I grew up with her and hadn't seen her in a couple of years, so I was shocked to see her. AND FIND OUT THAT SHE HAD GOTTEN MARRIED A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO!!! WTF?! She's a year younger than me! Everyone's married. Bloody hell.

Anyway, I left my bloody moisturiser at home, so I had to use Rachel's - same brand, her's is just the sensitive skin type. Note that it's for sensitive skin.

So I left her place at 11 the next day to start work at 2 in Newcastle. While I was driving I noticed my face was a little itchy. When I got home before I left work my face was a lot itchy, and it was a little red in the mirror. Whatever. I tend to have allergic reactions to everything these days and it just makes my face itchy. I took an anti-hystamine and went to work. At about 4:30 the itching was unbearable and I went on my break and down to Woolies to buy a muffin and caught a glimpse of myself in their mirrors... and MY FACE WAS PUCE!!!! PUCE!!! So yes, had a major panic and freak out and dumped my muffin and ran back to work to freak out some more. But they wouldn't let me go home. Oh god, it was so embarrassing. I couldn't figure out why no one had told me, but they were like, "It's not that bad." NOT THAT BAD??? Need I remind you - PUCE!!! So yes. I was supposed to go to the movies with Steve after work - hell no! I called him and cancelled and rescheduled for after work Sunday.

Sunday morning I woke up after having had no sleep because I kept waking up every five minutes to find myself scratching my face off. My face was itchy, but not red because I'd put hydro-cortizone on it before bed, but my neck and chest were all splotchy. I called in sick to work and went to the doctor and now I'm on oral cortizone. I'll probably wind up with roid-rage after all this!! I cancelled my rescheduled date and have post-poned it until my face isn't gross. It's fine today, still itchy as all hell, not red though, but I'm not taking any chances.

So yes, fun weekend. I've got today off uni and I should be working on my Age of Shakespeare essay. It's only 2000 words, but I've decided to do it on the play Dr. Faustus and a couple of George Herbert poems. I haven't even finished reading Faustus yet. Woops. It's due Friday. It'll get done. I have a test on Wednesday for Australian History, which will be easy. I've already passed the subject, and it's not worth much, but I still want to do well. Then next week I have two exams. Not looking forward to my Educational Psychology exam which is worth 50%. I'm so shit in that subject.

OK. Enough whining.