Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Dream catch me when I fall...

Face no longer puce. That's always nice.

I finished reading Dr. Faustus last night and have absolutely no idea what to write about him for the essay. Not a clue. I really need to do some research on the role of humanism in the English Renaissance. Great - more work.

This morning our power cut out at the house and apparently it's our fault??? Cos we use heaters and dryers??? Erm, firstly, it's raining, therefore it would make less than no sense to hang clothes on the line, so the dryer is necessary. Secondly, it's effing freezing, hence the heaters. It's been pretty warm this week (warm in comparison to other weeks) so I haven't had the heater on, but I know other housemates have, but that's their perogative. People have different coldness levels - I know I'm ALWAYS cold. I'd sit on my heater if I thought it would make a difference. Anyway, the landlords aren't happy cos last year the electricity bill was too much (half of the house wasn't here last year...) and they're saying they're going to take the oil heaters out of our rooms and put one big gas one in the loungeroom at the back of the house and we can apparently all study in there together. Meanwhile, that's where the TV is, so what if someone wants to watch TV?? Plus, I happen to be at the back of the house and like to do my study in the sunroom at the back (which in winter, isn't much of a sunroom and is more of a room-that's-freezing-but-has-lots-of-light-compared-to-my-room). I'll agree if they put a heater in the sunroom also so I can still study there. The chairs in that room are comfier too.

I did a lot of thinking this morning about my mum and I'm officially shitty at her. I go through periods of this. Some last longer than others, but I'm always left with that same nagging sensation. She's going to Europe in August (have I whinged about that yet??) and I'm really upset that she's going at a time I'm at uni and that she kept it from me. Earlier this year (like, January) she was asking me questions about Europe and got me to buy her some guide books and said they were for a friend, but they were for her. She's spending a week in Japan before going to Europe. That really hurt me. She knows how much I want to go there, and she knew I'd be at uni in August. When I found out she was going and confronted her she was like, "Come with me," like that was a possibility. So I asked her to help me go to England on an exchange for a semester next year and her response was, "I can't make any promises."

This morning I got to thinking about her easy things are for her. She's bought a whole houseful (literally - she threw out all our old stuff) of new furniture and bought a huge plasma (like, HUGE, and she doesn't bloody watch TV!) and is repainting everything, then she goes and spends all this money to go to Europe (it's at least $2500 for the tickets, let alone the accommodation and spending money), and I'm here struggling from week to week. I asked her for a loan that I could repay when I graduate because I'll be on good money, and she says she can't afford it. I know that my debts and things are my problem, but it's very hard to get out of a cycle of debt when your living expenses are so high. She wants me to go down to Sydney to visit her, but she won't pay the $30 it costs in petrol for me to go. I know she works hard, but so do I. Everyday I'm not at uni I'm at work, so I don't get any days off. I cannot seem to make any dent in my credit card bills... or at least, nothing that's helpful. Each month, even though I pay a lot, it goes down a whole $20. Wow. That's only going to take me FOREVER to pay off. Mum promised to help me while I was here at uni, and so far I've gotten $4oo off her. And I've had to produce tears to get that money. And my god, I only ask her for the money when things are really really bad, and I have to swallow all my pride to ask for help. How is it that my grandmother who is on a pension, or what I like to call, NO MONEY, buys me groceries when I go to visit her, and gives me petrol money or other things? But I have to cry to get anything from my mother.

So yes, I've been pretty angry today.

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