Thursday, 26 June 2008

I need to get my shit together.

So yeah. Not much has been happening. Went out with Mick last Friday night. SO did not want to go. Had the headache from hell, and, I dunno. I went though. It was fine. He asked me if I wanted to go to a movie on Sunday. I said I'd have to see. I messaged very late on Saturday night and said I was busy. I just... yeah. I don't know.

To be honest, I'm so not enthused. I thought I was ready to be in a relationship again, but I just don't want to put myself out there. At all. I haven't heard from Mick since then, and I'm really glad. That's not a good sign. Not the fact that I haven't heard from him, but the fact that I'm glad I haven't heard from him. It saves me from having to not have to contact him. It's just too much.

See, this is why I try not to delve too deep into my head. I'm freaking nuts. I almost browsed the self-help aisle yesterday while I was merchandising it! But then I thought, no better not before I start thinking there's something even worse wrong with me. I was thinking I should get counselling cos I've obviously still got issues about my mother and my parents' divorce, but then again, maybe I'm just hiding behind these issues, as maybe it's easier to hide behind the assumed problems rather than live my life and put myself out there. Or, maybe I really AM as screwed up as I think I am. I always hold people at a distance, even if they don't think I am. I've had 23 years of practicing realistic reactions and e/motions.

Too deep!

What else has been going on? Not too much. This week they have me working 38 hours. ARGH! Everyone's like, "But Sarah, that's so good! Think of the money!" And it is great, but I also like not having to work for my money. Lol. I like that extra $250 centrelink gives me. Sure, with my fulltime hours I'll be making more, but, you know, I had to actually earn that money. I'm a scab, yes. I'm also broke broke broke. With all the goings-out-to-dinner I did last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I have $100 to last me to next Thursday. Stupid staff appreciation day last week. I only spent $90 at it, and half was for stuff for my sister, but still... And because of all the hours I'm working this week, I most likely won't get anything from Centrelink on Monday, which usually tides me over until Thursday's payday. Plus, I'm going home Sunday night/Monday morning which means lots of catching up with friends which means lots of money spent. Oh well. Hopefully I'll see my mum and try and hit her up with some money. It'll be like trying to get blood from a stone. Is that the saying?? It is now. Deal with it.

In other news, as of Monday I've been keeping a food diary to keep track of how many calories I've been consuming. Let's just say it's not pretty. Yesterday was the only day I was able to keep under the 1300 you're supposed to have if you're trying to lose weight, and I was sooooo bloody hungry you would not believe. Actually, I wasn't hungry, just craving everything. It's hard to watch what you eat. My favourite blueberry muffins from Woolies are nearly 450 calories!!! That's like, all my intake. So sad. And excercising is so boring. Lol. I went for a half hour walk yesterday and had to FORCE myself to even make it to half an hour. It's so dull when there's no purpose for the walk. On Monday I went for an hour-long walk to the local shops which was fine because it had a purpose - I needed bananas. Lol. So I went for a walk there. It's also annoying because my area has hardly any footpaths, and I always feel bad walking on people's grass. But I do it. Lol. I'm not getting hit by a car who can't see me over the crest or around the bend. Please. Death just ain't my style.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

it's ok to realise you're not bothered. just back off. when it's going to happen it will.
and self help books are cool if you can identify with it. diets on the other hand are not. how about you work on an exercise routine before you starve yourself? eat those damn muffins i tell you, they fucking rock.