Last Night

I went to a cowboys and indians themed 21st for a girl from work. It was kind of a shit night. I wasn't drinking, and all I wanted to do was dance, but alas, it wasn't to be. Above is the Borders crew, with some Borders wannabes (ie. my two housemates, Leesha and Anne, plus Beau, who is friends with Michael and I have a class with at uni).

This photo's the only close-up I have of me, and I thought it was fitting that Michael and I had matching hats. We're totally set for Mardi Gras next year. :P Oh, and that's Jess popping up in the middle.

:/

I don't know what's wrong with me? I've been in a shitty mood for about a week now. I thought it was because of Dan and Jonas going to Indy on Nonno's thing, but I think it's from before that. Nonno's birthday? Getting sick? Cassie's birthday? Meeting Miranda? I have no idea. I need to get out of this mess.

I also need to finish this assignment. That's probably the thing that's not helping the most - it's 9pm and I have 1200 words to write and 6 books to skim read and write about.

I think I'm going to go to McDonald's and buy a sundae. Or not. I'm thinking I want chocolate, because I want to feel better, but then I'll just feel worse. I'm just tired of waking up and being angry/sad/unhappy/miserable/cranky/not in control of things.

I need to finish this assignment, then go to the Hub tomorrow or Tuesday and ask about whether Germany would be feasible.

Now I know how American Psycho felt!

I've been censored!!! I have so much gossip to talk about but cannot because I did a stupid thing and told the world I'd tell no one!!! And it's great gossip too, and from multiple people.

Why oh why do people confide in me???? I can't help my nature - I'm Filo! Gossiping is our life-blood, our one event at the Olympics where we aren't disqualified for a false start (the one time I've seen a Filippino in an Olympic event he was disqualified for a false start).

DAMMIT!! I need to tell someone what everyone's been telling me, but the people I want to tell are all involved and other people don't know them, so it would just be a confusing mass of, "So _____ and ______ did blah blah blah."

I totally need a diary.

So apparently I'm the only one who gives a shit.

I'm so fucking angry at the moment.

I got a call from Jonas last night asking me if I remembered the plans the family had for scattering Nonno's ashes on the aniversary of his death. Do I remember?? I took annual leave for that weekend months ago.

So anyway, apparently we can't do it that weekend.

Because Jonas and Daniel are going to Indy that weekend.

Oh really?

I'm so fucking pissed. When he told me I grit my teeth and asked, "How could you schedule a holiday on the one day that you really shouldn't?" and Jonas was just like, "Well, Dan and I didn't know the date for Indy."

Fucking cancel that shit! What the fuck? I'm already shitty that it's taken us so long to scatter his ashes, that they've been sitting in that fucking box next to his bed for an entire year, and then this?? At least the anniversary of his death would have been symbolic, but now we're just doing it on a random day that doesn't conflict with anyone's precious vacations.

So anyway, I checked the calendar, and the weekend after his death isn't good for me because the Monday after it everything in the entire world is due, so I'm like, "Well, that weekend's not good for me," and Jonas was like, "Well, we can do it whenever."

Sure. OK. It's like I'm the only one who cares. I was the only one who cared about his birthday, and practically the only one who remembered. But the rest of the family thinks it's weird that I haven't moved on. I think it's weird how easily they did. And it's not that I haven't moved on, cos I don't think of him everyday now, like I did in the beginning, but I just think that days like his birthday and the day he died are important, crazy as that may sound.

In other news, I'm just in such an angry mood. I pretty much hate everyone today. People in the house are shitting me with their disgusting mess, work is shitting me, and I haven't even been in there since Sunday. Just the fact that I have to go tomorrow is shitting me, and the fact that I'm working 10-7 when I thought it would only be a five hour shift. And the fact that I'm so cranky at the moment is shitting me the most.

Took my love down to Violet Hill...

So, that whole "walk" thing never happened on account of my waking up at three am with the consumption cough, then sleeping through my first class. Well done Sarah.

Still in massive pain on account of the sit-ups I've been doing at night. Why am I doing these again? Possibly to do with that huge beer gut I have (mostly it's a wine gut though). Plus, it's the least noisy thing I can do. I don't want the psycho Miranda listening into me doing cardio in my room or something. Not that I could actually do that in my room, seeing as it's got about one square metre of free space.

Not much else happening. The Spanish Influenza has turned into a cough, which I've decided is consumption, just cos it's such a romantic disease. Didn't Byron or Keats die from constumption? Whatever. Meanwhile, it sounds so much better calling it "consumption" than "TB".

Mum called this morning from Japan. Bitch. She's in Odaiba. Hate her. I remember going there, and seeing Japan's statue of liberty. Like the NY one, it's also been donated by the French... only it's about one fifteenth of the size. How do you like your gift NOW, Japan?? Hmm???

Sarah's a bitch.

It can't hurt....

... but OUCH!

So I'm still sick. I'm way over it. I was getting better, but then with Nonno's birthday and all I decided to stay up late for a couple of nights and drink, then work, so I didn't get much rest, which is so stupid when you're sick. So I've decided that I've tried everything else, why not excercise? Hence the pain. I didn't even excercise for long, but I'm now regretting it. And I've decided that since I'm out of bread, rather than do something normal like having cereal for breakfast, I'm going to walk to the shops and buy some bread to have toast. It's about half an hour's walk one way, so this is going to be fun. Then I'm also going to walk to uni tomorrow. Why do I hate myself?

I get alcoholism.

I was so drunk when I made my last post. Missing Nonno too much I decided to drink my sorrows away. Note to self: don't start drinking until AFTER you finish the referencing on your assignment. Lol. It's probably screwed. Oh well.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Out Of The Night That Covers Me (Invictus)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (1849-1903)

That was Nonno's favourite poem. He used to make me recite it for him all the time, although I could only ever remember the first verse.

He was born August 22nd, 1918. He would have been 90 today.

I don't know how many of these dates I'm supposed to live through, but I sure as hell hope they get easier.

How are you supposed to live the rest of your life knowing that the greatest man you have ever known won't be there any more?

I really should be working on my novel...

...you know, my novel? No? That's probably because it doesn't exist.

If anything I should be working on my essay which is due tomorrow. Instead I'm being an idiot.

Just used my Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray in my hair. I haven't used it in about a year because I always feel I can't do it right, but I saw it was used to achieve these looks so I thought, ooh, maybe that will work on me. No, it doesn't. My hair just looks a bit frizzy. Oh well. I just like the idea of having the B&B spray because it took me ages to track it down in downtown Chicago (only to later find out the only other stockist in Illinois was in Paletine, ten minutes away...) and I only paid $19, thinking (as an au pair), "OMG that's so much money!" Then when I got back to Australia I noticed it in a magazine selling for $68!!!! WTF?! Who would pay that much. So now I'm happy to have it.

Even if I don't use it.

I just love a good bargain!

*cough*cough*

So I'm still suffering from a lingering cough and the need to blow my nose every three seconds. And when I wake up I can't speak for the first hour. Gosh, I love winter.

Last Tuesday/Wednesday morning when my illness peaked at 4am, in my mellodrama I thought I was going to die. Not really, but I felt near death. I tend to be like this when I'm sick. I think, oh someone just EUTHANISE ME already! So 4am I was dying and feverish and had kicked all my bedsheets off and my layers of clothing and then messaged Lara to tell her of my death and let her know she should put aside some money for the plane ticket for my funeral. She was the only person that was in my phone that I wouldn't be waking up at 4am. Lol.

So anyway, I was texting her, when suddenly I thought I may never see her again! I may never see Judith or Natalia or anyone else I had formed deep bonds with when I was overseas. I'm constantly getting older and closer to my impending doom. (On an aside, is that sentence redundant? "closer" and "impending" in the same sentence. Oh well, it's typed now, and I've run out of liquid paper to delete it. Lol.) So I've decided that, even though I can't afford it and I will be in debt for the rest of my life, I am going to Germany on a six month exchange next year. Oh yeah. The University of Dortmund, to be exact, and to save money I will live with Lara, and we will probably hate each other by the end of my semester. I just have a million things due in the next two weeks which I need to focus on, and then I have to talk with my course coordinator and make sure I actually am allowed to do it and won't add any more time to my studies, then I need to call the DET to make sure I'm not wrecking my scholarship, then it's ALL SYSTEMS GO!

Money:
Savings = negative funds
Scholarship = $1500 next March. $500 gets used on textbooks.
Exchange scholarship = it says up to $3000. Maybe that's only if you go for the whole year. So it'll just be $1500.
Centrelink = $5000 which gets added to my HECS debt, so I only start paying it back when I start working.
Centrelink whilst over there = $200ish per week.

Plus, I could hopefully do some English tutoring on the side or something. Meh. I really should have money saved before I go, but I know how completely I lack the ability to save, so I will just have to starve once I'm over there.

Because I tend to make these decisions in the moment and then act on them, I've already checked with my landlord if I can just get a 6 month lease for next year, and I'm going to get a Christmas casual job and hopefully save a bit of money this year. Doubt it though.

I can't believe I've done all this shit and I don't even know if I'll be eligible. Whatevs. That's just how I roll.

I need a Nemesis

I'm skipping class today and I'm not going into work tomorrow cos I'm too sick. I thought I was going to die last night because I am SUCH a baby. Lol. I woke up at 4am with such a fever and general grossness, but today I'm feeling much better. Not good, but compared to what I went through last night it's a HUGE improvement.

Oh, and I've been watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-along-Blog and I've decided I need a Nemesis. Preferably someone as hot as Nathan Fillion. Any takers?

Fulli sik, cuz

Argh! I'm dying. OK, so far it's just a sore throat and general yuckness, but it's terrible!!

I blame Cassie. It's her fault that I had only 4 hours' sleep on Saturday night and had to be around someone with the flu. It's her fault that I spent over 5 hours in total sitting on a freezing train. It's her fault that I went to work on Sunday crankier than I've ever been in my life.

But apparently, according to her text message, it's MY fault because I didn't text her back to let her know I was going down to Sydney for her birthday. I thought it was implied by the, "Hey, where are you going to be tomorrow night?" text I sent, and then the text I sent when I was in Sydney saying, "Hey, where are you? I'm in Sydney."

But you know what? She has a reason to be jealous. I wouldn't have gone down to Sydney for her birthday if it weren't for the fact that Lesia, Dan's ex, was down in Sydney that night and I hadn't seen her in over a year. Hey man, two birds, one train ticket. I thought I may as well make the most of it.

Most people would just be happy/surprised if someone caught a train for two and a half hours to meet them for their birthday. No, Cassie was angry because I met up with Lesia first. Grow the fuck up.

The next day she sent me a text saying that she was sorry, and that she was drunk and that's no excuse (correct! Gold star!) BUT I didn't text her back to let her know I was coming down. How is that even relevant?? What does that have to do with the 5 texts in a row I received saying, "You better not bring Dan's ex with you or I'll cry." "I don't wan't to see her. Don't bring her." Darn, because that was my plan? How does my not texting her to let her know I was in Sydney relevant to that??? So in the end I didn't go see her, and I missed my train cos of her shit so I had to wait until the 1:45am train to Newcastle, which arrived at 5am.

Oh, and I also got a text from my brother when all this stuff was going down saying, "Why don't you reply to texts?" which I took to mean that Cassie had been texting him about me, so I called him and started fighting with him. Obviously it's Cassie's fault. I spent the rest of the night being all cranks cos I thought that everyone was against me (even though Leesha and Elky, who were with me, assured me that I had done nothing wrong. Gotta love friends!), but then Dan called me the next day to ask me why the hell I had yelled at him last night. I explained my reasons and told him why I was cranky (CASSIE CASSIE CASSIE) and he was on my side. I know. I was shocked too. He said that she's had an issue with Lesia because a few months ago Lesia sent Dan a text (what is with the stupid text messages? This is why I call people as opposed to msging!) saying, "Want sex?" and Cassie saw it because Dan had asked her to read his messages. Apparently she's been jealous ever since then, even though she knows that Dan hasn't even spoken to Lesia in months, and Lesia lives in bloody Queensland! God, I hate jealous, insecure people.

So now I'm so sick, and it's Cassie's fault. Because everything is Cassie's fault. Including the holocaust.

Best weekend in a long time

OK. Here goes.

Friday: Woke up at 3am and then couldn't get back to sleep. Not happy Jan. I was getting ready for work when suddenly I felt sleepy, so I called in sick in the hopes of gaining some valuable sleep - nada. I decided to make the most of my insomnia and go down to Sydney for the day and take my grandma and little sister out to lunch. Despite my absolute exhaustion it was a really nice day, and I didn't snap at them once! I know, Sarah not being a cranky bitch when she's both PMSing and sleep deprived? Yes, that was Hell freezing over that you heard on Friday, and those weren't extremely large, pig-shaped birds you saw.

Took them out to lunch then came home and tried to nap. Ha! Very funny. Went out to Michael's that night for our Gossip Girls night which is usually held at my place but Anne needed to study. I was so tired I left at 11. Got home and couldn't sleep. Yeah, good times.

Saturday: Worked from 9-2 then ran around the shops doing last minute things for Sunday's Breaking Dawn party. That night it was Simon from work's birthday so we all went out for dinner and drinks in town. It was such a fun night. I brought Leesha along and everyone - EVERYONE, even those I've never seen outside of work - came out. I got drunk. SO SO VERY DRUNK. I blame the margarita. And the three glasses of wine. And the two glasses of champagne. Yes, I am a binge drinker. K-Rudd would be so proud!! I remember the whole night though (except for this supposed incident where it has been alleged that I asked, "Where'd you get that fish?" about someone's bracelet. I deny the entire event ever took place). Leesha totally hooked up at the end of the night with Ben from work. Most random thing ever! They hadn't even really spoken that night, except when I introduced them, then BAM! End of the night makeout. I was pissing myself laughing cos, well, I was pissed!

Anyway, we got home, woke poor Nadia up cos she thought she heard us vomiting and wanted to make sure we were OK, but we were just busy giggling and saying, "shh!"

Sunday: Woke up feeling so nasty. SO. NASTY. I drank some more water, then ran to the bathroom to THROW UP. I cannot believe I drank so much that I threw up! I have drunk so much more and haven't been sick. This is my second alcohol-related throwing up I've done EVER. I couldn't believe it. But after I threw up I just felt SO GOOD!!!! No hangover after that. I ate the world's biggest breakfast then did some uni work, drove Leesha to get her car, then went to Bec's to do some last-minute party stuff.

THE PARTY:

WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! All the guests loved it, everything came together. More people turned up than had RSVPed so I was so worried, and I couldn't turn people away, even though we had been instructed to because they all had it on good authority that a certain staff member had said blah blah blah so I let them in. Everyone got into the spirit of the games. Somehow I was MC for the night as well as official stresser. Lol. I'm such a bossy bitch, but I think it comes down more to my OCD and tendency to be completely anal.

But it was a success! I decided not to go to my lectures and stuff for this morning cos I'm so damned buggered. I'm also sick now. I knew that would happen. After any big event where the leadup has been stressful, as soon as it's over I get sick. That's why I'm always sick when I go on vacation, cos I've been stressing to the lead-up of it. I think it's my immune system being low due to lack of sleep and now that the adrenaline isn't there to keep me going my body wants to heal itself. That's fine.

I'm just so proud of the Breaking Dawn party team. We've basically had 3 days to pull this out of our arses and it went off without a hitch. I'm now busy reliving the party and listening to the CDs Bronwyn, one of the team members, made for the party based on Stephenie Meyer's playlists for the books on her website. Absolutely awesome mix.