Ooher

Sarah went out and bought herself a moleskine cahier. /end of third person. I was going to take a photo of myself holding these babies up, but I look like a hot mess, so no photo.

I spent a grand total of $18.16, and that was after my staff discount. Yup, for a pack of three of these babies it's $26. Really, they're just brown paper notebooks. BUT, do normal notebooks come stitch-bound? Or with their own history inserted in them? I think not. Inso facto, these ROCK.

So yes. I think I'll write the great American novel in them. Except I'm not American. Semantics!

So anyway, I got an email this morning saying that my afternoon class was cancelled... so I decided to skip my morning class too. I'm sure I deserve it!! It was actually a very productive day. I cleaned my room for a start. I feel so much better now. It was starting to resemble a brothel, only with less action. I got all my uni stuff off the ground and organised it into the various subjects and bought folders to pop everything into. Unfortunately I didn't vacuum, but let's not get carried away with ourselves - this is me we're talking about.

I also wrote a letter to my Nonno's sister, Auntie Winnie, telling her all about my granddad's death last year and filling her in on the family. I was an emotional wreck by the end of it, having to remember how terrible his death was and how much I miss him, and my stupid grandmother wasn't home when I tried to call. Selfish bitch. (yes, I know I'll burn in hell for saying that, but I'm pretty sure the fact that I don't believe in god has already got that covered.) And when I called my brother for moral support, telling him I'm having a meltdown because I miss my grandfather so damned much, he showed me love and empathy by saying, "Oh, ok. Yep." Wow. That made me feel so much better. Anyway, the letter, which is 7 months overdue, is to accompany a DVD that us grandkids made as a photo montage of Nonno's life that we played at the funeral. It's awesome because I decided on its order and chose the first song, which is the theme to "Dad's Army", which goes perfectly with Nonno's war photos. Meanwhile, I had promised her this DVD last year after his death. I'm such a bad family member (yet where was the rest of my immediate family when they called and asked for a copy? Busy saying, "Sarah, you can do that," that's where). Better late than never though.

I feel like I'm the only family member who misses Nonno. About 2 months after his death I tried talking to Daniel and Jonas about it, and was telling them I think about Nonno everyday (literally), and they didn't seem to get it. Is that a boy thing? I have no idea. These days I don't think about him everyday, maybe every second day. I have his photo on my bedside table, but I cannot bear to look at it. I don't think this is normal behaviour.

Maybe I should check out the books in the Death/Grief section at work. Yes, we have a section on that. It's next to the Abuse/Incest section, where all the misery-porn books are kept. I hate people that read those books. I think it's a very bourgeois/middle-class thing to do where you read these books and go, "Oh, how terrible for her/him. Thank GOD I come from a good background and didn't have to eat dirt and sell my body for my evil stepfather and drunken mother to by ice. I'm SO FORTUNATE. Oh, but look at her/him. S/he's really done well for themself now." You see, those books always end with the person making out well for themselves, getting and education/self-educating and writing these horror stories, which are more often than not embellished, and making some money off their misery. Which is fine. But if that book were to be released and the girl/boy just died on the side of the road with a needle hanging out of their arm, no one noticed, the police just the file in with all the other dead-beat files, and their parents never came to any harm and continued on their psychotic spiral, you can bet that no one would buy the book. People only want to read these books to see how low someone can get and still pull themselves up. We call them misery-porn, because you know that at some level they're getting off on seeing how bad things can get. Customers always tell me to read them, "Because the things s/he went through were just SO awful. They will make your stomach turn." OK. Why would that make me want to read it?

I am also going to send Jack's birthday present. His birthday was April 9th. Worst au pair EVER. I just feel like packages need accompanying letters, and I find it hard to pick up a pen and write one. Especially to a now 10 yr old I haven't seen in a year.

That's right. It's been a year now. I miss them so much. I want to give my little boy a big cuddle. He's probably forgotten me.