3 weeks to go

The most hectic weekend.

Friday:
9-2 - worked.
2-6 - bummed around at home.
6:30-10:30 - babysat.
10:30-12:15 - drove down to Sydney.

Saturday:
8:15 - wake up.
10:00 - go to grocery store.
10:30 - deliver groceries to grandmother and then start driving to Richmond.
11:15 - arrive in Richmond, hang out with my aunt.
12:30 - have lunch with friend Kate.
1:30 - drive to pick up Rachel in Rouse Hill.
2:30 - arrive at Macquarie Centre with Rachel to shop.
4:00 - leave shops.
4:30 - play wii fit at Rachel's place for a bit.
5 - get back to grandma's place.
5:30 - leave for Newcastle.
7:30 - arrive in Newcastle.
8:00 - pick up Bec to go to barbeque.
8:30 - 12:00 - hang out at barbeque. Sing heart out on Singstar.
12:00- leave.
12:10 - turn car around and head back to pick up some friends at the bbq to take them into town.
12:40 - get into town, drop off boys.
1am - get home. Crash.

Sunday:
10-2 - work.
2-now - bum around not doing the study I'm supposed to be doing.

At about 5 I attempted to nap, because my god I'm tired, but that didn't happen. This weekend has been much too awkward. I was supposed to go to a different party last night but at the last minute decided to go to the bbq because it was closer. From what I hear the party was a fizzer because not many people went, and now I feel terrible.

Now I really have to go and do my Shakespeare study seeing as I have a quiz tomorrow worth 15%.

The List.

So here's a list of things that are annoying me right now. Yes, I am the most shallow person alive.

1. Tucking flared or bootcut jeans into boots. Just don't do it. The only things that can go into boots are straight or skinny leg jeans. Uni kills me with this trend. It's not right that your jeans bunch up and puff out above where they've been tucked into the boots. Come on!
2. People who sign birthday cards and the like, "Love Cindy and Bob," when clearly it's just from Cindy, seeing as I've only invited Cindy and I hate Bob, and YOU'VE ONLY SPENT A PITTANCE ON ME. If it's from the two of you I expect double the present. Simple. *swap the words Cindy and Bob with Emma and Mick.
3. People who ask questions during lectures. No. Lectures are for lecturing. That's why we have tutorials, where you can speak to your tutor one-on-one. In the lecture, if you have a question, write it down and discuss it in tutorial time. Don't stop the lecturer mid-thought and ask something. That's not the purpose of the lecture.
4. While we're on the topic of lectures, don't correct the lecturer with stupid things. "Jo, you just said the population was 50 million, but the powerpoint slide says 51 million. Which is it?" Use your brain. You aren't an intellectual because the lecturer read the slide out wrong. You're a wanker that's interupting things and is annoying.
5. Customers who come into my store and say, "I'm looking for a book" -good, cos you're in a bookstore - "but I don't know the title. Or the author's surname. His first name was John though." Ah yes, John something. No no, you just wait here, and I'll bring you all the books whose author's name is John. You're welcome.
6. Housemates who seem to have a hearing problem. Let me write this in capslock so you can hear it: TURN YOUR BLOODY TELEVISION AND YOUR STUPID MUSIC DOWN! I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HEAR IT WORD PERFECTLY THROUGH THE WALLS. At least watch/listen to something decent. The Biggest Loser??? Bond?? (the "classical" quartet, not the secret agent.)
7. Housemates who seem to have a BRAIN PROBLEM. You see, the landlord spoke to that housemate today and told them that we'd been complaining about her noise levels. You'd think that'd be a reason to turn that shit down, at least on the day you were told. Obviously not.
8. Bills. Stop sending them to me, because frankly I just don't have the money. GARR!
9. Again with the lectures, but seriously, why turn up if you're just going to talk to your friends the entire time?? Unlike you, my mummy and daddy aren't paying for my degree, and I hope to actually get something out of it. Ok, sure, I'm not actually paying for my degree either, but I earned that bloody scholarship!!
10. If I start walking home from uni and the sun is out, I expect the sun to stay out for the entire duration. None of this bullshit, "Oh, Sarah's about one street away from her house. She's almost made it home, so let's START POURING DOWN WITH RAIN." Yes. Let's do that on the day she's wearing her hot new tan boots that midway through the downpour she realises she hasn't yet waterproofed. Let's.

Gosh I'm bitter. But I love it.

Ooher

Sarah went out and bought herself a moleskine cahier. /end of third person. I was going to take a photo of myself holding these babies up, but I look like a hot mess, so no photo.

I spent a grand total of $18.16, and that was after my staff discount. Yup, for a pack of three of these babies it's $26. Really, they're just brown paper notebooks. BUT, do normal notebooks come stitch-bound? Or with their own history inserted in them? I think not. Inso facto, these ROCK.

So yes. I think I'll write the great American novel in them. Except I'm not American. Semantics!

So anyway, I got an email this morning saying that my afternoon class was cancelled... so I decided to skip my morning class too. I'm sure I deserve it!! It was actually a very productive day. I cleaned my room for a start. I feel so much better now. It was starting to resemble a brothel, only with less action. I got all my uni stuff off the ground and organised it into the various subjects and bought folders to pop everything into. Unfortunately I didn't vacuum, but let's not get carried away with ourselves - this is me we're talking about.

I also wrote a letter to my Nonno's sister, Auntie Winnie, telling her all about my granddad's death last year and filling her in on the family. I was an emotional wreck by the end of it, having to remember how terrible his death was and how much I miss him, and my stupid grandmother wasn't home when I tried to call. Selfish bitch. (yes, I know I'll burn in hell for saying that, but I'm pretty sure the fact that I don't believe in god has already got that covered.) And when I called my brother for moral support, telling him I'm having a meltdown because I miss my grandfather so damned much, he showed me love and empathy by saying, "Oh, ok. Yep." Wow. That made me feel so much better. Anyway, the letter, which is 7 months overdue, is to accompany a DVD that us grandkids made as a photo montage of Nonno's life that we played at the funeral. It's awesome because I decided on its order and chose the first song, which is the theme to "Dad's Army", which goes perfectly with Nonno's war photos. Meanwhile, I had promised her this DVD last year after his death. I'm such a bad family member (yet where was the rest of my immediate family when they called and asked for a copy? Busy saying, "Sarah, you can do that," that's where). Better late than never though.

I feel like I'm the only family member who misses Nonno. About 2 months after his death I tried talking to Daniel and Jonas about it, and was telling them I think about Nonno everyday (literally), and they didn't seem to get it. Is that a boy thing? I have no idea. These days I don't think about him everyday, maybe every second day. I have his photo on my bedside table, but I cannot bear to look at it. I don't think this is normal behaviour.

Maybe I should check out the books in the Death/Grief section at work. Yes, we have a section on that. It's next to the Abuse/Incest section, where all the misery-porn books are kept. I hate people that read those books. I think it's a very bourgeois/middle-class thing to do where you read these books and go, "Oh, how terrible for her/him. Thank GOD I come from a good background and didn't have to eat dirt and sell my body for my evil stepfather and drunken mother to by ice. I'm SO FORTUNATE. Oh, but look at her/him. S/he's really done well for themself now." You see, those books always end with the person making out well for themselves, getting and education/self-educating and writing these horror stories, which are more often than not embellished, and making some money off their misery. Which is fine. But if that book were to be released and the girl/boy just died on the side of the road with a needle hanging out of their arm, no one noticed, the police just the file in with all the other dead-beat files, and their parents never came to any harm and continued on their psychotic spiral, you can bet that no one would buy the book. People only want to read these books to see how low someone can get and still pull themselves up. We call them misery-porn, because you know that at some level they're getting off on seeing how bad things can get. Customers always tell me to read them, "Because the things s/he went through were just SO awful. They will make your stomach turn." OK. Why would that make me want to read it?

I am also going to send Jack's birthday present. His birthday was April 9th. Worst au pair EVER. I just feel like packages need accompanying letters, and I find it hard to pick up a pen and write one. Especially to a now 10 yr old I haven't seen in a year.

That's right. It's been a year now. I miss them so much. I want to give my little boy a big cuddle. He's probably forgotten me.

Le sigh

So, the essay and learning journal got finished at about 10:30, so I bummed around at home a bit and finally decided to go to uni. I printed the essay and dropped it all into my lecturer's mailbox at 11:45. Nice.

And now, rather than be productive and get a start on the next thing, I'm just bumming. I miss bumming. Although I do have a test for my Shakespeare class next week, and an assignment due that week for my other education class... I could start, but I probably won't. Because that's what I do. I just wrote all this bullshit in today's essay about how I procrastinate due to low self-efficacy blah blah but I'm not doing anything about it.

I plan to fall asleep really early tonight. I'm thinking 8:30. I was going to sleep in tomorrow but it's my laundry day, and if I don't start it at 6:30 then I won't get it all on the line by the time I leave for uni tomorrow morning at 10:30. Stupid laundry day.

So tonight for dinner (yes, this is how lame I am. My entire day is consumed with thoughts of what I'll make for dinner, and then I need to assess it) I made the most behemoth pizza. I had leftover rissoles in the fridge from Saturday night, and that's pretty much all I've been eating since then (it sucks cooking for one, and not having ample freezer space) so I decided to use the last three on a pizza. Inspired! So I went to the store, spent a crap-load of money and made my creation. I used lebanese bread as the base because actual pizza bases cost $6!!! Shocking. Then I used tomato paste and added brocolli, capsicum (even though I hate it. I just assumed it was good for me so I should use it), pineapple, corn, avocado, tomato and cheese and popped it in the oven. A second later I realised I'd forgotten the rissoles, my sole purpose for creating my monstrosity so I quickly took it out and added them on top. I have to say, it tastes awesome, even though the only thing I can taste is the capsicum. Ick. Stupid after taste. I'm sure it can't be too bad for me, even with all the cheese I added. I think next time I'll use a salsa as the sauce, in keeping with the corn and avocado and make it a mexican pizza. (Is that an oximoron? No, I'm sure it's just very fusion of me. How worldly of me!)

Also, I've decided to buy a moleskine journal as I was inspired. I have no idea what I'll put in it, but I tend to buy pretty journals and just have them hanging around. One that I bought in New Zealand and had lying around for over a year became a book journal last year, and I record each book I've read in it. Then for my birthday this year I received an actual book journal, so I now have two. Maybe I'll take up poetry, even though I don't understand poetry. Never mind. I'll (obviously) do something amazing with it. Hemingway and Picasso preferred moleskine, so I obviously have to have one.

Ahhhhh

Done.

I look like a hot mess due to lack of sleep, but it's done. I just need to finish my learning journal and then get to the uni by midday and pop it in my lecturer's mailbox and then I can breathe. And then go to class.

I look so nasty today. After all these nights of no sleep and stress about the assignments (my assignment invaded my dream last night and I dreamt I handed it in at 1pm instead of 12 and I lost 3 marks) my face has finally said, "ENOUGH!" My eyes are puffy and have dark circles under the dark circles.

Sexy.

Running to the nearest brick wall to bang my head against it...

WHY DO I DO THIS?????????

It's 8:20pm. The assignment's due at midday tomorrow. I have only written up to week six of the learning journal and decided to just write the essay anyway, so some time between now and tomorrow I will have come up with time (?!) and written the next 4 entries as well as the rest of my assignment. At the moment my essay is 873 words long, which is great, considering it's a 1500 word essay, min 1350 words if you do the 10% above and below leway. That means I have 627 words to go, or 477 words minimum. (No, of course I didn't work those out in my head. I don't have the ability to do basic addition and subtraction.)

So that's great, right? Hardly anything.

Oh, except for the fact that I'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!! *hyperventilation kicks in*

Ok, I think I'm done freaking. I'll go write the rest. I do have stuff to say, I just don't want to say it. Oh, sweet irony! I'm going to talk about how I procratinate. chuckle chuckle chuckle.

Dark circles.

So, I went to singstar last night and had too much fun. I finally realised that, rather than deal with how badly she let me be treated and how she fucked up being a friend, Emma has just decided to replace me with her little sister. And that's fine. Well, it's not, but I've gotten over the hurt to replace it with eye-rolling. Today she's spending the day at her sister's house and driving her to Gosford to do something for an assignment. It wouldn't be OK if I had no other friends here, but I do. That's the sad thing - Emma has no other friends here, yet she's pushed away one of the only ones she had.

Note to self: never do anything for anyone else EVER.

You know, I obviously still have lingering issues about that whole thing, despite saying I don't. But I don't care - it's still raw. And I can bloody well linger as long as I choose.

And, not that I mention the word "bloody", I was at the supermarket yesterday and there was a girl all of 12 years old talking and swearing her damned head off. I mean, I know I'm worse than a sailor now, but I don't think I swore out in public (apart from around my friends) until I was at least 15, and never around my parents until I was about 17. And she was just going for it. I gave her a cranky-old-lady-disaproving stare, reached for my avocado and left.

Meanwhile, my voice is hoarse from the singing, and even though I didn't drink it was still lots of fun. But now I'm so damned tired. I've had about 6 hours sleep, which for some would be enough, but I seem to need about 10 hours' sleep in order not to be a cranky bitch. And today I'm on customer service at work. Bring it. They will all wish they had stayed in bed rather than wither under my icy glare. <-- that sentence was awesome, I might add.

So yesterday I started drinking sage tea because everyone on the vogue forums was talking about how drinking two cups a day makes you have awesome skin. Bring it, I say. Plus, it's cheap, so it won't hurt. It's not like they're saying that I need to buy some SK-II or La Mer, so I can deal with the tea drinking.

Meanwhile, I wrote 150 words of my essay this morning. God I'm awesome. But, like everything else I do, I'm pretty sure I've peaked too soon and will end up staying up all night to get it done.

The rest of the world may want to stay away from me for the next week or so based on how tired I am going to be.

I missed blogging

Or, not so much blogging, but being able to look back and see what I had done that day and how I felt. Keeping a diary has never worked for me, but I kept a regular blog in the states and that was great. I'm fine with just writing in this whenever.

So it's Friday night and I'm staying in. I'm so dead tired, but I have an essay to do, which I'm so afraid of that I don't want to start, which is bad because it's due Monday, but I don't want to do it because I don't even understand the course and blah blah long story short, I don't want to do it but I have to. So I should start.

But first I have to drop one of my housemates off at a nearby busstop. So not in the mood, but she let me use her printer today, and I have to play the grateful card. I was grateful, don't get me wrong, but if I had ink and she didn't, it wouldn't even have been a question of getting something in return. I offered to pay her for using her ink and stuff, and she didn't shoot that down, so I went and got my wallet, and in that slow way of hers she said not to worry about paying, but would I mind giving her a lift tonight? So that's what I'm doing.

I feel disgusting handing that essay in today the way it was. It's not even worth my tutor's time in marking it's so bad. But it's done and that's all that matters. I called in sick to work today to get it done. I felt so guilty about that. So now I feel disgusting and guilty. Good times being me.

I wanted to go for a walk today but now it's too dark. Woops.